don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
