i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
