Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
