either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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