How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish I only lived at night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
