In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
