he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
