a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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