a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
