i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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