so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
