Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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