so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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