Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
