Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.