I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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