I wanna bring you to show and tell
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
