My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
