I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
