I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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