youre lurking in front of me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
