We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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