Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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