It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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