Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
