Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
