I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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