My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
