My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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