Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
