make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Enjoy the penises
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
