every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
