if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
