one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
