I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
