Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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