On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
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I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
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Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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