2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
