i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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