Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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