If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
