At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
