How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
