meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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