Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
