there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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