weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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