my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
