new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
