dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
