I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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